Maybe you’re old enough to remember those PSAs and commercials addressing the always-relevant topic of peer pressure. One that stands out is where a teenager tries to tempt a younger boy into trying out some of his marijuana, with the famous line, “It’ll make you feel good.” And while saying no to drugs certainly remains an element of peer pressure today, the issue goes beyond the simplicity of that 1980s public service announcement. In the 21st century, peer pressure looks much different than it did even 20 years ago—and that makes talking about it and overcoming it more challenging than ever.
What Peer Pressure Looks Like Today
In the age of technology, peer pressure takes on a much different—and more complex—form than it did when technology was considered a brick-sized Sony Walkman or a walkie-talkie. Today, with the internet accessible to everyone and social media prevalent on the screens of all kids, parents are faced with a tougher challenge in helping their child deal with peer pressure—partly because they may never know it’s happening.
The concept of peer pressure is more nuanced than simply one teen threatening another teen with the dissolution of their friendship if the pressured teen doesn’t try what the pressuring teen is pushing. Peer pressure can come in many subtle forms:
- The cool girl in school posts a demeaning video of a classmate…should you comment on it or “like” it to gain (more) acceptance with the popular kids?
- A group of friends is going ice skating—but you despise ice skating. Do you go just to fit in or because of FOMO (fear of missing out)?
- A friend’s older boyfriend, a known partyer, offers to drive you home. Should you get in the car?
These are just a few of the many examples of peer pressure that aren’t simply, “Drink this beer or we’re not friends anymore.” Peer pressure, by dictionary definition, means “a feeling that one must do the same things as other people of one’s age and social group in order to be liked or respected by them.” That isn’t exclusive to alcohol and drugs. It encompasses literally any decision that’s made because of the influence (whether real or perceived) of someone else. Take, for example, the ice-skating scenario. There’s no harm in the actual activity involved (unless a nasty spill is involved). But the fact that a teen might consider going ice skating—despite his or her utter contempt for it—because he or she might be shunned by friends, is absolutely an example of peer pressure. The teen is making the decision based on what he or she thinks the reaction from others will be.
The bottom line is, if a child is not comfortable participating in a certain activity or behavior, it’s completely OK to say no. But is it that simple?
Providing the Tools to Handle Peer Pressure
The answer to that last question? No, of course it’s not that simple. That’s what makes peer pressure the difficult and uncomfortable situation it is—if saying no were that easy, everyone would do it and there would be no ripple effect or repercussions. We know that is not the case, however. Saying no does come with consequences (right or wrong), and teaching your child how to deal with those consequences is key. After all, no one wants to be the odd one out, no one tries to lose friends, no one just wants to give up popularity—but those are all potential outcomes to saying no and standing up for your beliefs.
Part of life is dealing with others who have different value systems and who place importance on things that we don’t. While saying no to someone like that (who is a friend) may hurt, it’s sometimes necessary to take that step in order to preserve your own values, safety, and even your life. Kids need to develop the ability to stay strong and firm with their values and decisions, even if it’s an unpopular choice among their friends. Like adults, kids of any age shouldn’t ever have to experience the stress of making one decision when their heart and gut tell them otherwise. But when friendships are on the line, that’s the reality.
This is why kids of all ages need to be equipped with the social tools they need to manage peer pressure, beyond simply being told what not to do. Here are some skills you can teach your children to use when they inevitably face peer pressure.
1. Choose your words carefully when saying no. A no response doesn’t have to be one of those PSA no’s, where a young child stands tall, looks his peer in the eyes, and delivers a firm “NO!” Of course, that’s an option. But if your child is trying to maintain a friendship while still saying no, there are ways to say it without necessarily jeopardizing the relationship. Using phrases like, “Nah, I’m cool” or “I’m good” or “Eh, not really my thing” can soften the blow while still asserting that the answer is no. If your child keeps being pressured, then that firm “NO!” is probably appropriate.
2. Remember who you are. This applies more to teens and older kids, as they’ve already established something of an identity for themselves. And with that identity comes a set of core values and beliefs. Of course, the whole notion of peer pressure is to sway a peer into doing something that he or she doesn’t want to do—but in that moment, if kids remember who they are and what’s important to them, they should be equipped with the confidence to say no to an activity that conflicts with their values. And by doing so, they’re less likely to put much stock into what the reaction might be.
3. Deflect and propose. Say your child’s friend presents him with this offer: “Yo, let’s skip basketball practice and play some video games.” Your child can deflect the suggestion (“Nah, I need to work on my game some more if I’m gonna get playing time.”) and propose an alternative (“Let’s meet up after practice though, get some dinner, and then play some games.”). This not only diffuses the situation where your child has a tough choice to make, but it also allows him to make the decision he believes is right while not judging his friend and still showing willingness to hang out—but only once practice is over.
4. DIY. How do children grow into the adults they’ll eventually be? By watching you, the parent. So, when the opportunity comes for you to say no to something or someone—make sure your child sees it. No need to force the situation or even explain it after the fact—just witnessing a parent in a similar situation (it could even be saying no to that kid as they’re pestering you to do or buy something you don’t want to) can be enough to show your child the way to handle conflict and peer pressure.
5. Play the blame game. You’ve probably done this yourself at one point (or many points) throughout your life. It’s a survival tactic that involves…blaming the parents. “No, I can’t smoke that…my dad will kill me if he smells it on me.” Or, “Sorry, I can’t go with you tonight—I have to be home by 10 or I’m in big trouble.” Or, “Ugh, my mom’s such a nerd…she wants me to go shopping with her, so I can’t make that video tonight.” As a parent, you’d probably jump at the opportunity to be the scapegoat if it saves your child from becoming involved in an uncomfortable—or even illegal—situation.
These tools can prove to be very useful if your child is being pressured by peers, but it also helps to be able to talk about it together.
Talking to Your Child About Peer Pressure
Part of discussing peer pressure is providing your child with the tools they need to handle it, as outlined above. Beyond those tools, however, how do you best navigate a conversation about peer pressure? For one, listen. Hear out the issue before saying anything yourself—let your child know that, first and foremost, you’re there to listen to them.
Once they’re done, empathize with them, and maybe even share a similar situation you might have found yourself in at their age—knowing that you faced the same problems and conflicts may help to soothe their nerves a bit, and they’ll likely be curious as to how you handled it yourself. During the conversation, ask if they’ve tried any solutions and what the results were. From there, have a productive dialogue and toss around some ideas on how the situation could be handled. By talking it out together, you may come up with some great solutions.
Finally, as something of a security blanket, you and your child should develop a code word or phrase that can bail him or her out of an untenable situation. So, if you get a text from your kid that says “ham sandwich”, you know it’s time to pick him or her up wherever they are and get them out of that environment ASAP.
Through understanding what peer pressure looks like today, equipping your child with the social tools to handle those situations, and by having meaningful conversations about peer pressure, you can both be confident that these scenarios won’t feel like insurmountable challenges—rather, they’re situations that can be dealt with constructively and without much confrontation.
